Day Eighteen: Forgiveness

 

#18 What Has Been the Most Difficult Thing You Had to Forgive?

 

When I first read this promt, my mind went to so many things in  my life. At 29 years old, I have had heartache and sadness, and things that I have overcome both in my public and personal life. As ya'll know, I am one to certainly hold a grudge. Comments friends or loved ones make, things that have been said or done to me in the past, I have really tried to be more forgiving.

So after more thought, I came to the conclusion that there are still relationships in my life (including the ones with my own father), that need improvement! One is with my inlaws. More specifically, my Mother in Law. Now I had a private blog in the past because after this trip to Disney World in the picture above, I may have written that Magic Kingdom is a stressful place, which caused a lot of ugly emails written by no other than my Mother in Law to come my way. Long story short, we are still having battles and I just don't know that we will ever be "good".

 

Now that I have a whole new blog, I can finally be more free in my writing or journaling, which can be good but I'm sure that it can also be very bad. I think what hurts me the most are the hurtful things that have been said to Scot about Me. Hello.. his own wife! When I first met him, he had warned me about his Mom and how she has tendencies to pick people apart. I thought he was crazy because I truly thought his parents were the nicest! But it wasn't long before she started making comments. First it was regarding our wedding plans, and why didn't the photographer take more photos of Scot's side of the family, why did my Mom ask what color she had picked out for the wedding, and it really goes further back than that, if I'm being totally honest here, to when we first had our parents meet at Christmas, and his parents booked an early flight home Christmas morning. She felt left out from my family, and was upset I asked my Mom to help me make gravy and not her.

From that point on, sure we've had visits to see them in Florida, but it's harder to forget the things said. Coming from a warm family who doesn't speak harshly about one another, this was hard for me to take in. I feel really close to Scot's Aunt and she reminds me a lot of my own Mom. I don't feel like I have to be a certain size or be careful of what I say or don't say. Point blank, it's exhausting. In fact I already feel like I may have indulged in too much here on my blog already, but the whole point of this all is that I am learning forgiveness, and this has definitely been the hardest thing to forgive.

 Things were really put into perspective once Scot and I got pregnant with Ryder. I thought maybe this would bring us all closer. After all, it is hard to have a strong relationship with someone that you only see a handful of times each year, living in different states, but to talk with her you would think hardly anyone lives out of states from their children. On paper, everything is perfectly fine, issues are swept under the rug, and unkind words forgotten or pretended that they were never said. This is the hardest part for me. Once Ryder was born, things between us had gotten so strained that Scot's parents didn't meet Ryder until after his first birthday when we drove to see them for Thanksgiving. Talk about awkward. But I have forgiven and forgiven, time and time again, even when things build up and I just try to be the bigger person. Sure I'm immature at times and find myself wanting to hold onto a grudge much longer and have the attitude that "screw me over once shame on you, screw me over twice shame on me", but in reality that never really works because you often still feel regret and sad for the way things are. It's a really complicated relationship, even now, and we have continued to try to work at it, making as many visits to see them as we can.

 Not to repeat history, we were so happy when we were actually talking around the time Brynley was born and they had plans to come see her and take Ryder for a vacation. Forgiveness was key in order for this to even take place, yet trying to forget is often the hardest part.

So we let Ryder accompany his grandparents on a "Grandson vacation", something that puzzled me, as to why they couldn't go places as a family, but nonetheless, I would and still never would, want these arguments to ever affect my children to the point that they would never see their grandparents. Ina  lot of ways I have grown thicker skin, as Scot has advised me to do, and I'm sure I have made plenty of comments myself that I wish I could take back, but this in general is the most difficult thing I have ever had to forgive, and continually forgive as yet another issue is picked apart. Currently, I have been trying to put together a 60th Birthday celebration for my Mother in Law, and I am truly at the point of wondering if this is even a good idea. I know she would be even happier just taking Ryder than seeing everyone else, but there is no way on Earth I am letting my child go to Disney World without me. To have memories there without his own parents? But where do we go from here? I just pray that we will one day come to a place of contempt, where there are no longer unkind words spoken or judgement. So yes I have forgiven, but not forgotten.