Blah

Do you ever have days where you just wake up and feel "Blah"?

Not so much physically, but from the minute I got up this morning that was pretty much how I felt emotionally. My attitude and my outlook on life. I don't know why, I mean yes Brynley woke up twice during the night and prior to that she had slept through the night, so I should have been well rested. But I wasn't. I was feeling just BLAH.

And that in turn continued on to the moment that Brynley woke for the morning around 6am. I should have been full of zest today considering it was 6am and not the usual 4:30 or 5am like she's been known to do lately. But nope, right away I was consumed with feeling irritated that I couldn't wake up on my own, grab my cup of coffee, pump quietly while having my Quiet Time reading from my Jesus Calling app. I was consumed with just feeling BLAH.

Not long after Brynley was up and I nursed her while still in bed, still having thoughts of wishing she was still asleep so I could have my quiet time, I heard Ryder's footsteps as he came into my room. I welcomed him with a smile and a good morning and then he told me he was wet. I laid Brynley on the bed and came over to him because then he'd started to cry because he was upset with himself. I asked did he have an accident and at first he said "No!", but then when I asked where he was wet he pointed and I realized he did in fact have an accident sometime during the night. I felt bad for him and told him it was okay to have accidents, but deep inside I was trying to hide my feelings of BLAH.

Realizing that now I had to get Ryder a change of clothes in addition to his breakfast and then entertain Brynley enough so that I could try to pump the remaining milk, I was again consumed with feeling BLAH because this was the start to my day. I wasn't the one in control and it made me mad. I'm realizing now that I think it was God's way of showing me that I need to be more patient and remind me I'm not in control.

I did however make it to the gym, but got a late start so I didn't feel like I had that great of a workout. The cardio area was packed, as well as each machine I wanted to lift weights on, and all I could think was wow why is the gym so busy at 8am? BLAH.

I came home and was thrown right into the chaos. My mood was just BLAH! As much as I feel blessed for my sweet energetic 3 year old and my darling angel baby girl, right away I was wishing that instead of coming back home that I could have had just another hour more alone and to just sit in silence for a moment. (Crazy town talking here haha!) Now as I'm even writing these feelings out, I'm realizing that I don't feel this way often and it's just from the past 5 months of no sleep combined with just needing a break. I don't think our trip to Hawaii can come soon enough, and sometimes knowing it's right around the corner makes it that much harder to get through the days leading up to a vacation.

Ryder and I painted pictures of flowers and he was being so sweet and such a great listener. I was able to get a few things done and started feeling better. Brynley had just laid down for her nap and all was right with the world again. But then she woke up from her nap and the chaos started all over again. And just like that, I was consumed with those feelings of BLAH once more. "Ryder don't throw the rocking chair pillow on the floor", "Ryder do not kick your feet and knock Brynley's toys near her head", <cue Brynley crying because her brother knocked into her head>, "Ryder did you hear what I asked? Do NOT kick your feet into your sister again" BLAH BLAH BLAH..

It's raining outside, Brynley is taking a nap finally, and Ryder is having his Quiet Time (although I hear the hums of his harmonica), and I am finally decompressing from the morning! I think that I just need to start my day better, with a more positive attitude, and have my time with God before jumping right into life. Unfortunately that just wasn't the case this morning, and I had no choice but to jump right in. And what a difference it's made! I love my life. I love my children. I love being a stay at home mom. It's just in these moments of feeling all too consumed that I learn the most from. I learned that I need to be more patient. I also learned that maybe it wasn't as bad as I thought and that I just needed to stop. Be still. And listen to what God was trying to say. My job right now is just to raise my babies and not get so upset when Ryder doesn't listen or Brynley won't stop fussing. I should enjoy these moments and never take them for granted.

Thanks for letting me vent. I'm feeling much better and I think it's time I go have my Quiet Time now.