Meet My Friend "Billi" Blanket

It's the first day of Fall today and I had originally had a bunch of fun activities to attempt with Ryder, hoping that by this point we would be somewhat settled from having Brynley and the shock of bringing home a new baby and sleepless nights would start to get better. At least this is what I was hoping. The start of the week was good, or so I thought. I felt like Brynley was getting the hang of breastfeeding and we were getting her to eat during the day and sleep some during the night. Ryder was getting used to her and used to the attention off of him, and we were slowly getting the hang on life back. That was until we went to Brynley's followup weight check to see if she had gained from losing her birth weight. That was when we discovered that her Bilirubin levels had gone from 14 to 16, to 18, and the risk of 20 and higher could lead to some serious issues. At her first appointment when Dr J told us that she had lost weight and had slight jaundice, she advised us to make sure she ate every 2 hours and to give her plenty of sunlight as much as possible. Okay, easy enough I thought. We went about our day like everything was fine and we would give our baby sunlight.

We hadn't had sun in 9 days, so at the original advice of breastfeeding as much as possible every 2 hours, and keeping her in the sun went out the window. I originally just thought "okay so my baby lost a few ounces from birth, so did Ryder and we eventually got him back up" and as far as Bilirubin levels, or "jaundice", I guess I just shrugged it off at first and thought "no big deal, I had jaundice as a baby and was fine" I talked to other moms and their babies had jaundice and no big deal. That was until I got the call Wednesday that the levels peaked yet again, and we had to get aggressive to get the Bilirubin levels to drop.

 Up until that phonecall from her lab results, we had been going about our day like normal. Ryder has figured out how to move this ottoman stool around the livingroom, kitchen, and our master bedroom so that he can get a better view to check in on his baby sister. He also likes using it to watch us change her diaper, do any feedings, and to look in the fridge and freezer and anything he wants to grab off the kitchen counter. I am NOT a fan and continually find myself telling him to go put the ottoman back where he got it. I finally realized it is pretty cute that he wants to see what's going on so much, and I just make sure that he can't reach anything dangerous from the countertops.

 I also was going about our week, still taking numerous daily pictures of my Brynley Bug, and trying to keep it together as much as I could. We did have a hard time during each feeding, trying to wake Brynley so that she got a full feeding each time. I remembered this was hard with Ryder too, and just assumed it was all because she was a sleepy sleepy newborn who had more interest in sleep than eating.

 I continued about my night and tried to play "pirates" with Ryder as I gave him his bubble bath. But after we got the phonecall Wednesday night that Brynley's Bilirubin levels had gone up yet again, I started to worry that all of my assumptions had lead us to this point. They were bringing over a "Billi Blanket" and we would be given instructions on how to put it on her and she would have to wear it for the next 24 to 48 hours to dissolve all of the Billirubin that her liver couldn't get rid of. Talk about almost having a mental breakdown after receiving this phonecall. I literally started bawling and I felt like I had failed my baby girl as her mommy, and just worried about so many things. I worried about having to give her a bottle over her health and I was mad at myself for not being more aggressive with it sooner. Scot and I were both so upset at this point, and the anxieties, fears, worries, stress, and being over tired in general was a bad combination!

 They would be delivering the blanket to our house the next day, and so I did everything I could as a Mommy including feeding every 2 hours or more, pumping my breast milk like a machine, after offering each breast for each feeding, and any opportunity for sunlight, I was there to chase it and get every little bit in her that I could. I just felt so depressed that I hadn't bottle fed her earlier to get her birth weight all because I was worried she wouldn't want to feed from my breast anymore. I had so many cry sessions yesterday that I wore waterproof mascara and it still ran!

I called my mom and she came over to bring food and offer any support that I needed. I just prayed over and over that God would take the high levels of Billirubin out and help her gain weight. I also selfishly prayed that Brynley would still want to take the breast after being offered the bottle. I cried as Scot fed her each time, knowing that it was my milk she was taking from someone else, and worrying that she would never again want it from me, and that our bond would be broken. I do realize this was a little hyper sensitive and I'm sure hormone related, but I was loving breastfeeding so much by this point and never really got the hang of it with Ryder, so I felt devastated. They delivered the Billi Blanket to our house, and after getting the instructions on how to put it on her, after the nurse left, again I broke into hysterical tears about it getting to this point and I felt so bad for my baby girl. I would do whatever it took to get her feeling better! After putting it on her, I realized it wasn't as scary as I originally thought, and my fears were lessened even more once I attempted breastfeeding and she was still able to latch on. Then I passed her to Scot, he did a supplemental feeding with my milk, and she took to that too, and still seemed interested in my breasts for the next feeding. I felt much better afterwards, knowing that we would get through this one way or another!

 Here Brynley is trying to get her sunbathing on as much as possible, while wearing her "Billi Blanket" too!

 Here I am, showing off her "Billi Blanket" and getting ready to try nursing. Brynley was sleeping and I had just woken her up which is why she was crying. It reminded me of a tanning bed, and each time I put it on her or changed position, I reminded her it was her own little tanning bed.

The highlight of all this was that Scot got to feed her a bottle, and so did my mom that night. I know that they each loved being able to do a feeding and that I just had to do what was best. It was just hard watching everyone else feed her, while I pumped and sat on the couch feeling a lot like a cow! I prayed all day and all night that we would get through this and that my baby girl would get better, and by that night I could tell in her face that she was getting less white and I could see the whites of her eyes finally!

We had a good night and still fed every two hours, going just a few hours longer in the night. When we woke up, I again prayed that we would get good results at her Dr appointment today. They weighed her and she was down again, which caused for more concern. Although her color looked much better, she should be gaining not losing. At the advice of Dr J, she had me feed and then we weighed her again and she was up to where she needed to be. It looks as if she is taking in around 4 oz at each feeding which is plenty, and it was the best music to my ears! I felt tension release right away and I am just praying for good test results today! We don't have to go back for another month, I just have to weigh her on a baby scale to make sure she continues to gain weight. Talk about an emotional roller coaster! I am so glad that we are back home now and she is resting comfortably in her swing and I am finally at peace and can now enjoy the weekend.