Adjusting

**Disclaimer- some of these pictures may be graphic, but it's my blog and I want to capture every moment in my life of Blonde Moments, the good the bad and the ugly so sorry in advance if I offend anyone**

 Well, this was the last picture of Ryder and I the day before life got turned upside down as we know it. We took Ryder to lunch at Sonic and then to Target to give him a special day loaded with lots of mommy and daddy time. Looking back at this picture makes me want to cry because I still looked at him with a sweet baby face and he looks so happy and I'm literally crying as I type this because he has had such a big change in his little life literally overnight! He's so big when I look at him now, in comparison to Brynley. Don't get me wrong, he LOVES his baby sister and had gotten plenty of attention from all of us, and we each try to spend as much one on one time as we can, but life is really hard right now and we are all adjusting. I would say we are pretty much in survival mode at this point haha! It's Day 6 and we are slowly getting the hang on things, but just as soon as we have a GREAT day, we are sure to jinx ourselves and have a TERRIBLE night with lots of crying (me) and frustrations (Scot) and tantrums (Ryder) as Brynley is adjusting to eating and figuring each other out.

 This is what my bathroom currently looks like. Full of pads and ice packs and nipple cream and breast pads. I am finally feeling better "down there" and not having to take Ibuprofen like clockwork. I eat when I can and usually hold the plate while breastfeeding and cuddling Ryder on the other side of me on the couch. Scot has been home the whole week and has been a huge help with Ryder and housework, but I still feel like breastfeeding alone takes all of my time and energy and I am literally counting the days down until we can pump to bottle so I can get a little rest during the night. I have almost thrown in the towel more than once, and at the start of this week I really thought I was doing great, but as it nears One Week, the lack of sleep is kicking in! Major difference between having one baby and napping after each feeding, compared to entertaining a toddler and using all the leftover energy on that so by the time you can nap, you feel so stimulated you can't! I got upset with Scot last night because he was lounging on the couch watching football and having a few beers and it was as if his "normal" was already back as I was falling apart at the seams! I definitely don't have the "Baby Blues" this time, but I am just exhausted and in need of sleep.

 Looking at these pictures of my sweet loves makes it all better, and even when I am cluster feeding at 1am, 2am, 3am, 4am, 5am, getting to sleep by 6, just to have Ryder wake up and start all over again, just looking into my sweet newborn girl's eyes as she feeds makes it all better. I have prayed so much that I feel like a broken record, but I know this is just a season and I will one day miss the feel of my newborn against my skin and the sounds of my toddler being a sweet, rambunctious little boy!

 This was Day 3 as we ventured out to Target after Brynley's weight check with the Pediatrician. She has slight jaundice and lost 8oz from her birth weight. We were exhausted and brynley had been crying since we left the appointment because she was pricked for blood to be drawn and hungry. Ryder was extremely fussy after returning from my parents house and was on a sugar buzz high and no naps the past few days, so life was energetic to say the least. We pulled in the Target parking lot and as we did, Ryder finally drifted off to sleep. Trying to take advantage of the situation, I climbed (carefully considering I just gave birth and all) into the backseat and squeezed between their carseats, and attempted to nurse. I don't have a "Hooter Hider" and I quickly learned modesty out the window when it comes to desperate measures!

 Feeling better after taking a shower, after going 2 days without one, I was surprised to see that all of the breast feeding and engorgement had started to shrink my stomach. I have a LONG way to go, but I am happy to see my waist and not a big belly anymore! I will say I am doing much better with breastfeeding. Brynley is latching on well and the engorgement went away FINALLY. If you can get through the first 3 days and just know the nipple pain, tightness, swelling and crying will eventually stop, then it WILL get better! Right now our struggles are just making sure Brynley wakes to feed rather than letting her demand when, because she was going too long between stretches in the day and wanting to cluster feed too much at night. Again, I went from being on cloud nine at the beginning of taking her home, to feeling knocked off and an emotional mess. I just pray that we eventually get her sleeping longer strides and to get Ryder adjusted. He LOVES his baby sister and still tries to pet her head, and has lunged at us while nursing more than once, but we are getting a handle on him and trying to reel him back in and we have definitely had lots of time outs and long talks about being gentle around baby sister. I continue to tell him what a good job he is doing, and I do feel terrible that he is having such an adjustment, but I think he has done really well, considering! The first thing he wants to do when he wakes up or comes in from being away from her is to run in and see her. This makes me realize just how much he loves her, and that we will be okay.

 I packed up some of my maternity clothes and it felt liberating but sad all the same. I am full of emotions right now, but not in a depressed way, just deep in emotional thought haha!

 Even Tucker has had to adjust. Can you tell he's been up all night for the feedings too? Poor thing, he just got bumped down another notch, but he is always my fur baby and I love him! He snuggles next to Brynley while I'm feeding her, and seems to want to protect her. He also snuggles as close as he can next to me as if to say "I'm still here".

I'm debating names to start doing Brynley's weekly post, "Brynley's Bits" or "Bits About Brynley", but will definitely post more pics by tomorrow as she will be ONE WEEK already! Here is my sweet bug :)